Love, Sex & Relationships with the Anonymous Serial Dater

HELLO!

When Harry asked me to write for his blog, I was, of course, honoured!!! I jumped at the opportunity and said yes. I was then posed with the question: what the hell would I write about? Why would anyone care to read what I have to say? What do I even have to say? Well, a big aspect of my life is, stupidly enough, my love life. I can talk till the cows come home about love, relationships and sex and tend to be the friend people come to for advice due to the stupid experiences I’ve had.

I simply prefer being in a relationship or having someone on the go, am I the only one? I can do just fine on my own, I just can’t help wanting to find someone with whom to go on this journey called life and share my mind, body and soul.

My friends will tell you I could get obsessed over a frog if I thought he was emotionally unstable and if we shared some kind of unique connection. Any guy with issues and nice eyes and lips, send them my way and I will fantasise endlessly about a future with him and melt at the prospect of building our lives together.

But these are not sustainable relationships and I keep getting myself into things with guys that don’t give a shit about treating me right or putting in any effort.

I am a 21 year old student from London and this blog revisits every person I have ever slept with, with an aim to entertain you with the story of my love life. The outcome: a restoration of some hope in our search for love and an acceptance of what has been.

This is all coming from a straight female’s perspective so I will be talking about guys, but please exchange that for ‘her’ or ‘they’ as is applicable to you.

Anyway here goes my whole experience with boys.

Tristan

I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend Tristan when I was 14. After being friends with him for about a year, by the end of our first month in a relationship, all I could think about was finally having sex. He had to sneak me in and out his house because he wasn’t allowed girls round and he had to cover my mouth because his auntie was in the next room and obvs - it hurt. Of course, we were young, but I now feel that any guy that has to hide me from his friends or family must not have that much respect for me or they wouldn’t keep me such a secret? They should want to show me off.

At the end of that summer, my mum packed my bags and carted me off to live with my dad because I was being a shit and she couldn’t control me anymore #wildchild. She told my dad I was sexually active and was on contraception and he flipped. He forced me to take him to Tristan’s house so he could give him a good talking to. Now my dad can be scary AF and the relationship deteriorated as Tristan ‘fell out of love with me’ after that night. I was really upset and missed him for ages, but he wouldn’t talk to me. It definitely impacted my relationship with my dad also because I blamed him for Tristan not wanting to be with me anymore. I didn’t speak to him for months and very rarely ever open up to him about my love life now.

Jason

Jason came a couple of months later. Two years older than me, I’d known he fancied me from our community club, but one evening he’d come to my house saying he actually liked me and could see us being together, but his main goal was to sleep with me and then leave. I fell for it and tricked myself into thinking I reciprocated those feelings. He barely ever spoke to me after that and it is safe to say he had lied to me to get into my knickers. Side note: he had a really big one and for a young, petite and inexperienced me, I don’t know how I hacked it and looking back what he did was wrong, he was using me and that was hugely selfish and physically inconsiderate, I wasn’t even legal yet!

Stan

Stan was a guy at my school’s 6th form when I was in year 11. He was best mates with possibly one of the fittest guys anyone had ever seen at the time who was cracking on with my best friend. Said best friend had a little gathering at her house one night, nothing major, just a cool few people you know, and I ended up alone with him in the bathroom. I wanted to get to know him and see where things could go, you could say I wanted a boyfriend, but he just wanted to get with me. He was quite small, it was dark and I really didn’t know what I was doing, BUT HE DID NOT HELP. The two guys never really spoke to us again, but had the nerve to go round saying we were shit bangs. K bye.

Albie

Albie was my first love. We were together for three years and much of my relationship/intimacy habits stem from this time. We really did love each other, but by the end of those 3 years, I felt that I had grown out of the relationship and wanted to experience life after education on my own. I started finding everything about him annoying and he didn’t want to let go. I know I’ve lost a gem here, he’s moved to New Zealand, set himself up in a nice pad, nice car, has begun his career and has found himself a new girlfriend, no doubt the love of his life.

About a year after our break up, the last time he was in London, we were at the club with our mutual friends and I was trying to be cute and kiss him. He curved me a couple of times and was like ‘Ah babe, it’s not that I don’t want to, but you know I can’t’. I was like ‘what do you mean you can’t’, comeherebitch. ‘You know I have someone back home’. Head tilt, come again? ‘I have someone back home’. I literally turned around and walked away like none of that happened and then started crying my eyes out because I felt so alone and left behind even though I was the one that pushed him away. I cried so hard and told him to fuck off because I didn’t want him to see me like that. Think that was the last time I ever saw him. I will always love you and your family Albie, and wish you every happiness.

Richie

He comes a bit later, but I met him at my work (a gym) right after ending it with Albie when I needed someone to latch onto, I got obsessed (as per). Richie is a northern lad, has a good job, works out and is tall and sexy af, I just wanted the chance to get to know him and have fun, but he cancelled our first date and stopped talking to me really, save the odd question about gym opening times and membership cancellation.

One day, I finished my shift and was meant to go see my grandma who was very ill at the time. Richie had just walked in the gym though and I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to talk. I took ages to touch up my makeup and giggle with the girls as we fabricated a reason/excuse for me to walk through the gym and bump into him. After a somewhat awkward on my behalf conversation, I leave him to it, go to the post office (of course there’s a massive queue) and finally get on the train to the care home. Whilst on the train I get a call from my dad. As soon as I answered, I knew. ‘She’s gone. Grandma’s gone’. My heart sank. If I hadn’t bothered to do any of that to waste my time and delay my trip just for a chance to speak to Richie, I could've been there, by her side, holding her hand as I always did sharing her last moments. I still kick myself to this day. Of course I could never blame him, it was my stupid fault not putting my family first and yet again wasting my time on guys that won’t even waste a second on me. RIP Grandma, I am eternally sorry I wasn’t there on your last day.

Shaq

Omg, I actually hate this guy and curse this day. Shaq was also a member at the gym, so I’d seen him around and he was working at our local the night of my work’s Christmas party. I was feeling lit and wanted to go out out afterwards. He said he was aiming to go to the same spot so we exchanged numbers so we could link up there, but everyone bailed. Being the party girl that I am, I messaged him asking if he was still going or if he was about. I met up with him down the road once he’d finished and brought him back to mine. We kissed and undressed, he rammed his fingers up me with no warning, painful af and I was like naaaaaa you can stop that please. So we had sex instead. For one minute. And it was over. GREAT, GOOD ONE MATE. I decided to give him another chance a short while later, maybe I just feel that good (he had said my body was like a pornstar - compliment or insult? Idk). Another minute goes by and he’s done. You know what mate, save yourself the trouble and get yourself home. Goodbye and never want to see your face again. Side note: lasting a minute is no bad thing, but in this context he was pretty selfish and there was no connection so…

Ted

Then I met Ted and everything changed. I had fallen in love again. We gave each other our hearts unapologetically truly, madly, deeply. It was intense. We’d both work full-time and he’d spend most nights with me at my mum’s house so basically living together. We would get high everyday, we didn’t need anything but each other and a bag of weed. Sure, he was rough around the edges, had a history of drug addiction, stealing and violence, but he was trying to put himself right and he said I was the girl that changed his world.

We took a trip to his home town in Wales and I met his family and friends, it was...alright. Flaws in his character were arising, his friends were shitty druggies and he lodged me one night to go do ‘shrooms on the beach. His mum basically hinted, you’ll soon find out what sort of person he is - out for himself.

The Friday night before my 20th birthday I was to finish my shift at 10pm. We had organised that he’d cook dinner and we’d have a cute night in before the celebrations over the weekend, but I hadn’t heard from him all day, so around 9pm I called him like ‘wtf Ted’, hoping, in the back of my mind, that he was simply waiting to surprise me. He was miles away getting pissed with his friend and thought that I could just get the bus up and have drinks with them. Errrr, no thanks, you have fun you c***. I ended up at the pub after work with two of my best friends and...Albie. Ted didn’t like this (at this point Albie was still trying to kind of talk to me and I didn’t want to not be friends with him, but Ted was like ‘exes are exes for a reason, it’s me or him’). We argued on the phone as he felt he’d done nothing wrong, but said I was mugging him off as I was out with my ex and so on. The next day (my birthday) Ted had bought me a mix of weird presents and flowers, I should’ve thrown them straight in the bin, it was pathetic. He tried to make up for it, but, from then on things went to shit a bit. My mindset had become so negative through smoking so much weed, I felt the world was doomed, And I didn’t want to be in a world as horrible as this, I cried more, I started getting anxious and when I needed Ted the most he said I was killing his vibe; he was feeling so good about life, was busy setting up his own business and I was simply bringing him down. This was all during the month leading up to moving away for uni, we saw each other less, argued more, until finally, in the first week of moving away, I just said ‘what’s the point in this, let’s just leave it, it has run its course, no bad blood’.

Phil

Phil was my first bang of uni. Possibly a rebound if I’m honest. He was really sweet to me and that was comforting, but it was never going to go anywhere. One night at his, after he’d been home home for a week, he asked me if I’d missed him. I said ‘no, not really, I don’t see us like that’. Silence. ‘Why, did you?’. ‘No actually, I guess not’ he replied, as we both stared up at the ceiling. We kind of agreed to just be friends and whatever that was, was soon over.

Anton

This kind of goes back to Ted because by the second and third month of 1st year, I found myself in pieces over losing him. I wanted us to get back together and when we started talking again, he said we could open the dialogue because he was missing me too. Yet, increasingly more often than not, he would ignore my messages and calls with no explanation. I would cry nearly everyday, I withdrew into my feelings and my heart felt like it was in actual physical pain. Tears exploded from my eyes at every opportunity. I remember pushing my bike home one afternoon and not being able to see the path right in front of me the whole way home because I missed him so bad and he had just gone AWOL, I didn’t know what was going on and I was getting no answers.

3 months later, Ted called me one night saying ‘ahh I’ve missed you so much, so much shit has happened which is why I haven’t been in contact, but you were the best thing to ever happen to me, I want to take you out when you’re back and sort everything out etc’. I didn't know what to think. Could I really trust what he was saying? I came home for Christmas and he said we should go for drinks. When it came to it, he bailed because he thought it was going to be a group of us and not just me EVEN THOUGH HE HAD SAID HE WANTED TO TAKE ME OUT AND SORT THINGS.

He went back to not replying to me so there was only one thing left to do: throw a party! I invite all my friends, most of which Ted was cool with and I told them to tell him to come. He didn’t come. But Anton did. I’d known him a few years through one of my girlfriends and we were both now single. I was drunk and ‘fell’ on his lap in a bid to get his attention. I think it worked; by the end of the night I had made him pinky promise 3x to come to my house to netflix and chill. I think this is where it all went wrong. From the get go, this was a sort of friends with benefits sitchu and even though I was ‘cool’ with that, I started getting obsessed. I’d post so many more stories to rake in his comments and attention - I wanted to message him loads but he wasn’t like that I guess and was finishing his final year so that never took off. We only hooked up like 3 times between January and April, but decided he was a bit too bland for me and wasn’t really putting in any effort. By Feb/March, I had gotten over Ted and was ready to move on whether it be with Anton or not.

Jared

In April I was asked to star in a short film alongside an actor from the year above called Jared. I knew he found me attractive from some conversations prior to the shoot and I was intrigued by him, although he did have a girlfriend. After the shoot, he invited me to his to smoke. We stayed at his all weekend getting to know each other, non stop chatting, laughing, kissing (naughty) but he expressed how unhappy he was in his relationship. He told me he was quite abusive and controlling over her due to this, but wanted to give that all up for a chance with me. I should've run for the hills, but instead I found it attractive that he could probably kill me with his bare hands and we agreed to hang out casually until I went away to Spain all summer. He was very messed up mentally, he was a severely unhappy person and revolved his whole life around me because I do believe he loved me. The emotionally and at times physically abusive relationship played out for months with massive private and public arguments.

One time, we were at the pub with basically everyone on our course and I needed to let off a bit of steam, so I stood on a table outside and shouted out ‘who wants to fight, I’m ready to fight, come at me’. He grabbed me and pulled me down saying I am an embarrassment. He got hold of the wine glass I was holding and crushed it in half with one hand. I downed whatever was left in the glass avoiding that cracked part and then follow him out of the pub and smash the glass on the ground. He starts shouting at me saying I always cause problems and am never happy and gets super mad because we never really communicated and he wanted more than I did. I’d mostly just go along with it to make my life easier because he’d react so violently whenever I’d try to cut things off. He’d punch walls, threaten to ruin my life, speak to me disgustingly, spit at me, just general horrible treatment, urgh!! Anyway, he pulled the rain pipe off a house near the pub, and chucked it at a parked van and kicked some bins over. He deffo had anger management issues.

I really needed to think of ways to get rid of him, but he was so obsessed with me, he wouldn’t let anything ride. My friends were shocked how I could put up with any of this, because I just took it lying down, I didn’t really care because it could’ve been much worse, and I kept going back because I was addicted to the drama and attention. We finally broke up for summer and I said I’d rather we didn’t speak altogether and just see if we feel anything when we’re back. It goes without saying that anyone like this, no matter how much you may want to help them, or stick around for them. Get out. You will miss them, but do you want that for your future? Relationships should make you feel happy and safe not intimidated and trapped.

Francis

Back in London, I met Francis, a 32yro producer at a pub while Jared and I were still constantly arguing, but in my head I was single, Jared was just an old plaster that needed ripping off. Francis invited me to his jacuzzi. I said hell yeah I’m coming to your jacuzzi. Bad idea, we were both fucked and his house was like a 45 min drive away. Yolo (but don’t drink and drive kids). We got to some quiet roads and I asked if I could drive. He said ‘yeah if you get naked’. So I did. It’s so bad, I can remember not even seeing the road ahead for the life of me, I was so drunk. We had wild sex that night, but I never saw the jacuzzi. The next day, I used him for sex 7 more times as that was my last shabang before Spain, where I had planned on being a good girl. Never saw Francis again.

Flaco

An english guy came into the restaurant where I worked all summer in Spain and we got talking. He took me out for a drink which was dead, but then we went back to his house to smoke. I didn't realise it at the time (I just wanted to make a friend), but all this was simply leading to the sex - which was quite alright, but I reaaally wasn’t into him. He’d talk to me in Spanish during sex and I’m not one of those girls that speaks Spanish during sex, so this was just awkward for me - and you’re English mate, cut it out!! A for effort though. We banged a couple times while I was out there, but goodbye Flaco, thanks for relieving my needs internationally.

Sash

Groomsman at a wedding I attended. We were making out by the end of the night and exchanged numbers. At 5am he messaged me like ‘oh I’m just driving through your area, wanna smoke?’ I thought fuck it why not, can’t sleep anyway. Got in his car and said ‘Will you let me drive?’ - bare in mind I do not have a license!!! He says no way. I tell him the anecdote of that one crazy time when someone let me drive their car cos I got naked...he quickly changed his mind lol. I somehow (still intoxicated) drove us to a viewpoint where we could smoke, we park up and sit on the grass. We’re kissing etc but I know I don’t want to have sex with him, but he’s pushing for it to go down that road and I’m quite disappointed at myself for this. I let him ‘put the tip in and that’s it’ I say. Obviously that was not it, and although I don’t really want this to be happening right now I allow myself to climax. A few seconds later this whole situation feels super weird, I don’t even know this guy, I don’t want him inside me and I want to go home. I have work in a few hours! I stop him and push him off, sort my clothes out and head back to his car. ‘Can you take me home please?’, ‘No, I’m not finished with you, let’s go in the back seat’. ‘NO. Take me home or I’m walking’. After some resistance on his end (who does he think he is) he takes me home. Never see him again. Bye.

Charlie

Charlie and I first got together on a night out filled with pills, lines and shots. It was crazy, but one of the best nights ever. It was my first night on md and I was fucked. We were talking in the smoking area and he was stupidly taking a pill facing the bouncers and couldn’t even stand up straight so I held him up, hiding him and the drugs from their view. I took a pill off him as he had had too much and kept it for myself lol. I took it later on when we all left and went to an afterparty and then got more fucked at his with my best friend Ally. We smoke, sniff and drink til like 8am and start fucking in the same bed next to each other, me and Charlie, Ally and some other guy. That was a mad night.

The next day, we go to another party and Ally is on such a bad come down she has the worst emotional breakdown I’d seen her have. She knew she needed to go get help so by Tuesday, she checked herself into a Priory. But not before we’d had some more fun with Charlie who we agreed to somewhat share...The day before she leaves we all go out. In between boozy kisses with him, we drunkenly tell each other we’re falling in love and his gorgeous blue eyes are gazing up at me on his lap and his lips so soft against mine - of course, it was not love but who can deny we were into each other at this point.

When I saw him again, I knew I was into him so I popped the question ‘Soooo, what’s the deal here Charlie, because I like you’. He comes out with ‘ahh, it’s not that I don’t like you, I’m just not into anyone, like this stuff is hard for me, I’m a closed person’, right, okay. We carried on kissing and I think he could tell this was all playing on my mind so he goes ‘Ah man, I think you’re great, like I know you would be good for me/maybe we could be in an open relationship?’, ‘no! I want someone that wants me for me and only me, thank you, it’s fine let’s just leave that here’, ‘well I can try to open up to you...I really like girls that are vegan, like it turns me off if they’re not’ and that’s when I departed on my voyage to veganism in a bid to get him to like me -r u dumb. Note to self: do not try to change yourself for anybody!

I never stayed round again, but that’s not to say my obsession for him dwindled any time soon. Over the coming months, he made me feel like shit because we would act like the other didn’t exist, if I was in the same room as him, I would feel about this small ‘.’ (the full stop is how small I felt) and I’d find myself in a horrific low. I felt embarrassed and ugly and couldn’t understand why he didn’t like me and it did hurt, I’m just not the sort of grungy, cool/cute girl he’d be into.

We slept together again at a party and he just left me there afterwards. He didn’t look my way again for the rest of the night and that killed me, how had I given it up so easy for someone who literally can not give two fucks about me. I started my come down before the night had even ended and by the next day after sleeping on the grotty kitchen floor, I felt like shitttttttttttt.

A few weeks later, I crashed his party and he came over asking for a chat after hearing I’m upset about everything between us. I’m actually glad he did that and shows some level of respect towards me. I can barely remember the conversation, I was trollied, but I told him how he makes me feel and he did actually apologise. I expressed that if he had given me even a small chance we could’ve just hung out and had fun, I wasn’t after anything serious but can see how I scared him off. He said part of him doesn’t understand why I’m sat in front of him and he’s not doing anything about it, but that’s life, he is hugely emotionally unavailable. I still believe in him, I think he’s a great person with a lot ahead of him so I wish him all the best and we left it as friends. Thank you for a wicked experience and the free drugs. But that’s half my problem, I always keep the door open in the hope that something will work :(

Richie (cont’d)

During all of this, Richie pops up on my phone every now and then, asking when I’m back and still inviting me out for a drink. I had dreamt of this for the two years I’d known him, but I was never really available, until now. We go for a walk which was lovely, a chance to finally chat in person, then back to his and share our first kiss, but agree it’s too soon to have sex. Five minutes later, we’re having sex. We continue seeing each other until now, but he is moving to Russia for a year for work, so even if we wanted to make a go of it, there is a time limit.

I really do like Richie, but feel there is some disconnect as we only really get drunk together and outside of those times I feel nervous and awkward, not fully comfortable around him like the next day, we don’t cuddle or really talk that much which makes me wonder how deep is our connection? He does always make an effort with me though, which is more than I can say for so many of the others.

Anton (cont’d)

We never really messaged, save a few times where he would see if I’m available throughout the year until now. I’d pied him off for Jared as I found him kinda bland and nothing special (sorry Anton).

Anyway, we’ve seen each other twice this year. We had such a cute time, like literally couple goals, I repeat, COUPLE GOALS. After the last time I saw him, I got obsessed, I started thinking we were made for each other and if we made it into a relationship we would be so happy together. I feel like these vibrations of mine reached him telepathically and he can sense how much I’m now into him, which has sent him in the other direction. He hasn’t tried to meet up with me, he ignores my messages, and he just doesn’t care about this, else he would make an effort, right? If guys want something to happen they’ll make it happen?

Why am I not good enough for you, have I made up the connection I thought we had? He’s given me my answer.

Some days it has felt like my eyes are being gouged out with boiling acid water, agonising over and over why these guys don’t want me. What could possibly be so wrong with me? They’re clearly physically attracted, I have substance and personality, I would give everything to make them happy and comfortable and I’m not even necessarily looking for a relationship! What more could they want? Yet they still don’t want me.

I have had to understand that I need to realise my own worth through my own eyes before anybody else's and not rely on others to unlock it. I do understand not everyone is in a position to commit or partake in an emotional union, regardless of the label, especially with me because I can be too much.

I thought I wanted someone to lean on, to talk to whenever and be myself, to cry to when things are shit, someone who respects and understands me and loves the little quirks about me, goodness knows I have many. Someone who finds my facial expressions and unfiltered remarks entertaining and cute, someone who plays with my hair and toys with the jiggle of my bum, not the flickers of my heart strings. I just haven’t met him yet. I want to just let this whole thing go now and actually focus just on my life and career, I don't want to care about boys.

We all make mistakes, so long as I learn from mine I will not apologise for wearing my heart on my sleeve nor for obsessing over someone who I delude myself into thinking is great but really ain’t because I have given it all a chance. I will not retreat nor be afraid of love and I will not back down and close myself off. But I will let it go, its over to the universe now baby.

If you got this far well done, and thank you for reading. If any of my experiences resonate with anybody who has felt anything similar, has felt used for sex, has cried for months over an ex, has had an aggressive/manipulative partner they can’t get rid of, has felt neglected or ashamed and never heard from the guy/girl/human again after they have given themselves fully to them, then this shows you that you are not alone.

Life is for living, for feeling, for loving. In my opinion, broken hearts are part of the deal as I go through life and when my soul genuinely hurts from all of this, I feeeeeel those lows, I go with it, I dive to the bottom of the ocean, I never deny my feelings, I learn from them. These experiences have wised me up and I know those idiots were simply not right for me, but the future is bright, people, you will find your rainbow fish, we made it this far, we can make it further, no sweat.

I would like to end on a quote:

‘You deserve a lover who wants you dishevelled, with everything and all the reasons that wake you up in haste and the demons that won’t let you sleep. You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you; someone who believes that his embraces are a perfect match for your skin. You deserve a lover who wants to dance with you, who goes to paradise every time he looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions. You deserve a lover who listens when you sing, who supports you when you feel shame and respects your freedom; who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall. You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee and poetry’

- Frida Kahlo